UNIOMACHIA , OR THE BATTLE AT THE UNION . 1 As , when some antiquated virgin’s hand
2 With baleful broom hath chased her feline band ,
3 Around the topmost garrets of the house
4 Each caterwauling Tom consoles his spouse ;
5 No less a clamour in thy room , O Star ! 5
6 To Ramblers pale portended woes and war :
7 Ranged on the left the foe prepared the fight ,
8 The Rambler phalanx marshall’d on the right ;
9 In high command above their host are seen ,
11 Supreme in eloquence they lead the way ,
12 The first in counsel , and the first in sway :
14 Skill’d to protract debate , and voluble of tongue ;
15 Thron’d above all , and carpeted in state, 15
16 The mighty M -- e , wordy warrior sate ; 17 ( Where erst , with antics , fooleries , and puns ,
18 Matthews the comic tickled Oxford’s sons . )
4 4 19 In many a sable fold of honour The learned Paunchius renders μελάγγουνος by " wearing his bachelor's . " drest , 20 The great L-wides tow’red above the rest ; 20 21 Before the faithful lines advancing far ,
22 With winged words the chief provoked the war .
23 “ O friends , be men ! Be ours the noble boast
24 “ From Union rooms to drive a traitor host ;
25 “ Against our sov’reign will they dare combine, 25
26 “ Form a new club , a diff' rent club from mine .
27 “ The godlike M -- e feels their jealous hate 28 “ In empty benches , and in burk’d debate .
29 “ Accursed crew ! whose ruthless hands have gored
30 “ Their mother’s breast with parricidal sword . 30
31 “ Vote , then , my friends ! And be the turncoat race
32 “ Expell’d , kick’d out , in merited disgrace . ”
33 The hero spake , the glad M -- eian throng , 34 With clam’rous joy exulting shouts prolong ,
35 But , ’mid their uproar and discordant sound, 35
37 And , fixing on the chief a gloomy look ,
38 With brandish’d papers dreadful , thus he spoke :
39 “ Whence , men of M -- e ! this unjust decree ? 40 “ Command your vassals , but command not me, 40
41 “ Your vaunted chief , with proud , imperious soul ,
42 “ Would all command , and all alike controul ,
5 5 43 “ With wit licentious practised to revile ,
44 “ Jeers on his tongue , and satire in his smile ;
45 “ Grant that the Gods his eloquence have giv’n, 45
46 “ Hath foul reproach a privilege from heav’n ?
47 “ His factious crew would banish in disgrace
48 “ The best and noblest of the Union race ,
49 “ Strife and debate their restless souls employ ,
50 “ And war and horrors are their only joy . 50
51 “ Nor think , O chief ! Thy purpose to perform ,
52 “ Though high thy class , and like a God thy form . ”
53 He said and sat , when instant to oppose ,
54 Magnanimous , the mighty M -- e rose , 55 Redoubled clamours rang from either host, 55
56 The high roof shook , and half a speech was lost ,
57 As when some bull , by dogs bebaited round
58 Glares on them fierce , nor funking quits his ground ,
59 So , grimly smiling , godlike M -- e spoke, 59 60 ( When ceased the Rambler din ) and wrathful silence broke .
61 “ Joy’st thou , bold leader of the rebel train ?
62 “ Yet hear our sentence , impudent and vain !
63 “ From this our Union we reject with scorn
64 “ Thy recreant crew , dishonoured and forlorn :
65 “ Thus shall ye prove our might , and curse the hour 65
66 “ Ye stood the rivals of superior power ,
67 “ There went not chiefs to fight for M-e ’s state , 68 “ Our ‘ hests obey , and shine in our debate . ”
6 6 69 He said , and P -- r heard with grief opprest , 70 His heart swell’d high , divided in his breast : 70
71 Now words disdainful burst their angry way ,
72 Now calmer judgement bids his fury stay .
73 Sudden , Minerva , gliding down the sky ,
74 Soft counsel whisper’d from a gas-light high ,
75 In gentle M -- w ’s form-the warrior heard, 75 76 Knit his dark brows , and loath obey’d the word ,
77 And , while his breast disdain and choler fill’d ,
78 Words sweet as honey from his lips distilled .
79 “ With equal zeal my friendly soul approves
80 “ The trusty Ramblers , and the Union loves, 80
81 “ Ardent my wish in both alike to share ,
82 “ Both clubs my pride , and both debates my care . ”
83 The gen’rous hero ceased-with thund’ring sound
84 T -- t shook his tassell’d cap , and sprang to ground , 85 ( The tassell’d cap by Juggins ’ hand was made, 85
86 Or some keen brother of the London trade ,
87 Unconscious of the stern decrees of fate ,
88 What ruthless thumps the batter’d trencher wait , )
89 Dire was the clang , and dreadful from afar
90 Of T -- t indignant , rushing to the war, 90 91 In vain the chair’s dread mandate interfer’d ,
92 Nor chair , nor fine , the angry warrior fear’d ,
93 A forfeit pound th ’ unequal contest ends ,
94 Loud rose the clamour of condoling friends ,
7 7 95 Loud from the foe triumphant thunders broke, 95
96 And , swoln with boiling rage , the fearless champion spoke :
97 “ Not I , O friends ! provok’d th ’ unholy strife ,
98 “ Ye , men of M -- e ! gave the conflict life , 99 “ Your own Committee urg’d the dire debate ,
100 “ Your tongues contentious threat the tott’ring state . ” 100
101 M -- t the good with grief beheld from far 102 His mulcted friend amid the ranks of war ;
103 Stung to the soul , he rose above the rest ,
104 Of Oriel’s sons the dearest and the best ,
105 Both hosts alike rever’d the peaceful man, 105
106 On both he kindly smil’d , and thus began .
107 “ Alas ! my friends ! the day decreed by fates ,
108 “ ( How my heart trembles while my tongue relates , )
109 “ The day must come , when this proud house shall bend ,
110 “ And the high glories of our Union end, 110
111 “ Then shall ye mourn the blow your madness gave ,
112 “ Forc’d to deplore when impotent to save .
113 “ Cease then the war , your dire division cease ,
114 “ And join in league of amity and peace . ”
115 He said , and many a list’ning chief approv’d 115
116 The prudent counsel of the man belov’d ,
117 Still the fierce M -- ites for vengeance call , 118 The Ramblers to confound , and banish all :
119 Rising in royal majesty and pride ,
120 “ Great Agamemnon ” bade the house divide . 120
8 8 121 The joyous Ramblers triumph’d in the fray ,
122 Theirs was the palm on that eventful day .
123 As when a hundred mails and coaches meet ,
124 And cabs and buggies cram the crowded street ,
125 Down the wide Cornmarket they thunder in, 125
126 And far-off Broadstreet hears the mighty din ;
127 So long , so loud the shouts of conquest sound ,
128 In Castle’s dome , and many a dwelling round ,
129 The pipe was dropp’d , and wagg’d the sapient head ,
130 As some grave townsman to his neighbour said, 130
131 “ Sure through the doors th ’ affrighted house will fly ,
132 “ With such fierce shouts the gownsmen rend the sky . ”
133 Rising at length , when hush’d the hideous roar ,
134 And their joy settled , and their throats were sore ,
135 Gath’ring their gowns and caps they left the fight, 135
136 And in snug parties pass’d the waning night ,
137 On oysters feasted through their classic tow’rs ,
138 With grog recruited their exhausted pow’rs ,
139 And brandy quaff’d , and smok’d segars for hours .
END .
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